Chapter 7: My Resolutions

          Resolution.
          It’s an interesting word. It denotes both “end” and “beginning”. On this, the last day of the year, I’m sitting in my parents’ living room, glass of iced tea close by, MacBook open in my lap, reflecting on 2020. But…I think we all have done enough reflecting of this dumpster fire of a year, so I’m just gonna skip that part. Let’s look ahead to 2021.
        Seriously, though, as I’ve said in previous posts, 2020 was a year of monumental personal change for me. So, with that in mind, here’s my resolutions for 2021:
         1.) I want to be a better Christian. There’s a lot packed into this resolution, but, basically, I want to have a better relationship with God. For the last few months I’ve been using work as an excuse for not having enough time each day to do personal devotions and prayer. And while I have been super busy with two full time jobs, I have had a few minutes here and there where I could have spent some time reading in the Bible app on my phone. I surfed social media instead. I also have had some time at the end of the day before bed when I could have done a devotional and some praying, but, again, I either surfed social media or watched a half hour of something on Hulu or Netflix.
      So, for 2021, I am resolving to read my Bible more, pray more, and build up my relationship with my Lord and Savior. A month ago, on black Friday, I purchased a couple different study Bibles that were on sale for the app on my phone and iPad. One of them is a men’s study Bible that is designed and set up as a one year, daily devotional Bible. Each night, before bed, I will use that half hour to read and pray.

        2.) In that same vein, I am resolving to join a church in 2021. I’ve been doing a little research of local churches online, and I found a Lutheran church here in Vegas that appears to be gay friendly while, at the same time, doctrinally sound. By that I mean that it appears to be close to the same doctrinal beliefs as the Baptist church that I grew up in. My religious beliefs/convictions are very much Baptist, with the exception of their view on homosexuality. However, I don’t want that to be the only criteria for my selection of a church, obviously. And this will be predicated on whether or not life as we know it goes completely back to normal this coming year. That means no statewide lockdowns and no mask and social distancing mandates. Soooooo…yeah, this might be one resolution that doesn’t get fulfilled until much later in the year, or maybe even in 2022. Ugh! (But still keeping my fingers crossed.)
         Also, my secret hope is that by completing this resolution, I will also be well on the way to completing Resolution #5.

      3.) I resolve to explore further the issue of homosexuality and Christianity. Due to my hectic work schedule I haven’t been able to devote anywhere near the time necessary to the study and research that this issue requires. But, in 2021, I will be devoting more time to this project. I’m thinking that the more time I devote to Resolution #1, I will also be making progress on this resolution. Stay tuned for updates on here…
 
    4.) As part of Resolution #1, I am resolving to be more compassionate and understanding with everyone around me and those I meet in my daily life. For the last week or so, as I’ve been up in Idaho on vacation, I’ve had more time to think and reflect on this past year. Looking back through my posts on social media, especially on Facebook, I realized that I have been VERY judgmental of people – both on my friends list as well as the various politicians and leaders who have been involved in the many social and political issues that have plagued our nation in 2020. I allowed myself to get caught up in the political storm, and I did more than my fair share of yelling, screaming, and smug finger-pointing that I have often despised in others over the last few years.
         One of my favorite albums by Amy Grant is her 1988 Lead Me On. If memory serves, I first bought that CD around 1990 or 91, and, as with everything else in her library since 1985’s Unguarded, I had the entire Lead Me On LP memorized by the end of junior high. Later, as an adult, when I burned or downloaded all her albums in iTunes, I would “dust off” those songs every once in awhile over the last couple decades, revisiting old, familiar lyrics and memories while commuting to work or at the gym. One of the songs on Lead Me On is called What About The Love. The narrator spends most of that track pointing a finger at others and judging them for not showing the love, compassion or mercy of Christ. Then, in the last verse, the narrator looks in the mirror and realizes that he/she has been guilty of the very sin that he/she has been judging others for committing.
        That’s how I’ve been feeling for the last couple weeks. I have stood on my pedestal, looking down upon the world, judging and smugly condemning everyone around me on social media for being ignorant, or uninformed, or just downright stupid simply because they believed differently than I on this or that issue. I have shaken my fist at the sky, ranting and raving about COVID-19, the national election, BLM, and many of the other social and political issues that tossed and turned our nation inside out these last 9 months.
        For 2021, I resolve to be less judgmental, less angry, and more compassionate and understanding. That doesn’t mean I’m going to no longer stand up for my beliefs or convictions, and I will continue to speak my mind, but I will not do as much angry yelling as I’ve done in 2020. One of the major changes for me, personally, in 2020 was that I woke up from my 20-year complacency. Before this year, I never cared much about who was sitting in the White House, or what laws congress passed. But now, I care very much about those things, and I believe it’s important now, more than ever, for ALL American citizens to care as well. For this coming year – and from now on – I promise to be less confrontational and judgmental in my social media posts. Instead, I’m going to be more professional, calmer and understanding while stating my opinion. I’m also going to pause and ask myself the following before posting something: is this just to poke the hornet’s nest, or do I honestly have something to say and/or contribute to this or that debate?
        Along those same lines, I resolve to be more sympathetic and understanding with the people I meet in my daily life. One of my biggest weaknesses is my impatience and judgment of others, especially my customers. Nothing infuriates or exasperates me more than trying to help an elderly man/woman who has no idea how to go about accessing their bank statement online. Or when people ask what I consider to be dumb or redundant questions. Or people who insist on splitting up what should be a simple, 2-minute transaction into a 10-minute, 5-part transaction. Or people who –
        You get the idea. For 2021, I resolve to stop silently cursing and judging those people. Instead, I will take a deep breath, smile, and be more sympathetic and understanding. I have always had to remind myself that not everyone is as adept as me at current technology, or maybe they don’t know as much about the products they’re purchasing as I do. I’ve been selling money for 8 ½ years now. I’ve used the same script for explaining a payday loan every day, multiple times a day, for 8 ½ years. I sometimes forget that new customers are not as versed as I am, and I need to be more patient and understanding with them.
          I also need to be more kind and patient with my co-workers for the same reason, especially the new people. Another of my weaknesses has been my impatience with those to whom I’m tasked to teach new things. (This is the main reason I had to quit my job as a computer assistant at an elementary school in 2012. I made too many young children cry. Literally. I’m not kidding.) For 2021, I resolve to be more patient and understanding with my co-workers. I will keep my frustration and exasperation to myself. Instead, I will pause, take a breath, and try to see the situation from their point of view. There’s a meme I’ve seen a lot on Facebook recently that says something to the effect of, “Treat everyone you meet today with kindness and love. Everyone is going through something in their life, and you don’t know what it is. So be nice.” I promise to take that advice to heart every day from now on.
 
        5.) I want to find a man. And not just any man. I have a specific set of criteria, both physical and characteristic, that I want in my future husband. To me, dating is no different than applying for a job. I have a position that I’m seeking to fill, and all prospective applicants need to meet a certain set of standards and qualifications. (And let’s be honest: is there really much of a difference between dates and job interviews? Other than the fact that some dates might end with sex?)
       But, seriously, folks, I want someone to love. I’m honestly not sure why this has become such a hunger for me these last few months, but I’ve been longing for some time now to share my life with someone special. The funny thing is, I’ve never cared about this before. I was perfectly happy just doing my own thing, but, lately, I’ve had a very strong yearning for all that clichéd relationship crap, or, as I saw in a social media meme awhile back, “…that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
         I could write a whole blog post about this (and maybe I will at some point), but I think I’ve officially discovered the 10th circle of hell: online dating. I’m sure Dante wrote a whole ‘nother book about it, but his publisher at the time thought it too frightening for the 13th century common man, so it was left out of The Divine Comedy. I’m honestly not sure that anyone in real life has ever found their soul mate – or even a normal, well-adjusted person – on eHarmony, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, or Match.com. I’ve even resorted to using Facebook’s dating section, which I didn’t know about until a month ago when a co-worker mentioned it. So far, no luck. The main problem I have with most of the major dating apps out there is that you have to plunk down anywhere from $30 - $150 just to be able to respond to ads and/or private messages. I gave Tinder, POF, and Match.com a single month’s subscription trial, but I didn’t meet anyone worth more than a few words in DM, let alone anyone who came close to meeting even the basic of my standards and criteria.
I’m scared that my only chance for “true love” is to meet someone in real life, and that’s not good. I work for a payday loan company and Walmart. I can tell you with absolute assuredness that those meet-cutes in every stupid Hollywood rom-com NEVER happen in real life. Never! Ever! Never ever! And I dare any of you to challenge me on this. The customers and co-workers that I interact with every day are not eligible soul mates, and since I have never been anything close to a social butterfly (even before 2020 when anything social and extra-curricular was shut down), my chances of meeting that special guy face to face are pretty slim.
         But, as part of Resolution #1, I’ve decided to put this resolution in the hands of God. If it is His will that I meet that special guy, He’ll find a way to bring him across my path. I just hope that I’ll be ready. In the meantime, I have decided to be patient and just live my life as normal. If the absolute craziness of 2020 has taught me anything, it’s patience. Life is unpredictable, and you never know what each day might bring.
 
         So there they are: my New Year’s resolutions. I can tell you right now that I will fail at some point throughout the year with each one of these (except maybe #2). But the point of resolutions is to commit to the struggle, even – and especially – when we fail. I’ll keep you posted on here on my progress, and I hope this encourages all of you to commit to your own resolutions.
        After all, a struggle – like fine wine – is best shared with friends.