Chapter 19: Home

         Home is not just the title of an early 4th season episode of The X-Files (and one of the series’ best episodes, if you ask me). Home is what I found in 2021.
            As I write this, I’m sitting at my kitchen table, a fresh mug of coffee at my elbow, and it’s exactly 10:45 p.m. on Wednesday, November 24. Earlier this evening, in lieu of our normal mid-week prayer service at church, we all took turns sharing testimonies of what we’re thankful for and how God is working in our lives. Pastor had announced a week ago that tonight’s service would be a special one, and I’d been ruminating for the last few days on what I wanted to say when it was my turn. I wasn’t sure, at first, exactly what I wanted to share, but the more I thought about it, and as the day drew closer and closer, a thesis finally formed itself from the chaotic musings that I’d been mentally scribbling in the back of my mind while going about my daily routines. As soon as the initial song service was ended and the floor opened for testimonies, my hand shot up. I wanted to be first, mainly just to get it over and done with since I’m still severely shy and anxious about public speaking, but also because I was eager to share what God had laid upon my heart.
            It was about this time last year that I started an online search for churches in Las Vegas. Because I had not yet begun to earnestly investigate and research the issue of God vs. homosexuality, my initial Google search for local churches was rather broad. I was hoping for a denomination closer to the Protestant/Lutheran camp since I knew that group was more accepting of gay Christians while not being quite as liberal in the other foundational doctrines like some of the more Anglican churches such as Presbyterians or Episcopalians. But I was also not very earnest or eager in my online quest as I felt a more pressing need to address the issue of my sexuality and my faith first before proceeding any further in my growth as a new Christian.
            In hindsight, it’s clear that the Holy Spirit was the one setting my priorities at the end of last year and the beginning of this one. And, as you all know from my previous chapters, it took all of a couple months of Bible reading, spiritual counseling from Pastor Sjostrom, as well as some extra-curricular reading and online research – not to mention a LOT of prayer – to reconcile once and for all God’s stance on homosexuality. And, of course, once I was finally ready to narrow my search category to just Baptist churches in my area, I woke up one Saturday morning in late January to find a flier on my front door from True Light Baptist Church. You who have followed my blog from the beginning know the rest of the story. (If you’ve only just now joined me on my pilgrim’s progress, go back and read chapters 12 and 15 before going any further on this entry.)
            This coming Sunday, November 28th, will mark the nine month anniversary of the night I first stepped into the auditorium of Bible Baptist Church of North Las Vegas. In my testimony tonight, I told my fellow brother and sisters in Christ how much they and this church mean to me. At the end of that 6 p.m. service on February 28th, there was no doubt in my mind and my heart that God wanted me anywhere else. I knew I had found the church in which He intended for me to set down roots and claim as my new home. In a metropolis the size of Las Vegas, I had found a genuine miracle: a small, local church that reminded me strongly of the one in which I grew up. All of the good and pleasant memories of my childhood in Grace Baptist Church of Twin Falls, Idaho, were brought back to mind those first couple weeks in March as I came to know better the various members of this small congregation at BBC.
            Of the many blessings of friendship and fellowship that I have found among this new family, Pastor Mitch Serviss is probably the most important to me. He is a true under-shepherd, a man who genuinely cares more about his flock than himself. He greeted me on my first night there as if he had known me my whole life. Within two minutes of talking to him, I felt immediately at ease and very welcomed. Two months later, in a one-on-one conversation after the Sunday morning service, I told him my whole story. To my immense relief, he was understanding and very supportive. About six weeks after that, he baptized me, and, about three months ago, he and I began meeting once a week for an hour for discipleship class.
            I have been honest and open with pastor about my day-to-day struggle with homosexuality. It hasn’t been easy keeping the old man locked away and the Holy Spirit in charge. I have good days where my mind is clear and free and focused on the Lord, and then there’s days when I have to close my eyes, grit my teeth, and quote scripture in order to keep the old sins and the old temptations from taking over. And, quite honestly, it doesn’t always work. I end up giving in and praying for forgiveness later. But, through it all, Pastor Serviss has stood with me and prayed for me whenever I’ve shot off a quick text of SOS to him. He’s shown me verses in the Bible that I can claim as God’s promise that that particular “thorn in my flesh”, as the Apostle Paul put it, might one day be removed. But he’s also given helpful counsel on what to do in the meantime if God’s answer to this particular prayer is “no”. As the Lord said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” I’ve had to remind myself of the same thing a lot lately.
            But it’s not just Pastor Serviss that’s been of immense help and spiritual edification to me. There’s many others in this church family whom I have formed instant and deep friendships with in just nine months that I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. And that’s what I was so eager to share with them earlier tonight. I’ve lived here for over nine years, and, until just a few months ago, I never thought of Las Vegas as home. Home was Twin Falls, Idaho. Las Vegas was just where I worked. In nine years, I made exactly two best friends and a handful of casual work friends. I was the dictionary definition of a workaholic. I had almost no social life and spent most of my free time – what little there was of it – on the couch at home by myself watching TV or playing video games. The only bright spots in my life were the two or three road trips back to Idaho every year to visit my family and old friends.
            For all of this year, I have had multiple moments where all I can do is sit back, gobsmacked, shaking my head in amazement, as I view the many ways in which God has either blessed me or worked in my life to answer my prayers. He even provided me with something that I had never thought to ask for; something that I didn’t even know I had needed until I found it. In Bible Baptist Church I found not just a pastor and a group of fellow believers that would help me grow in my faith and my walk with God, as important and essential as that is to a new Christian. While that was the need that I had been praying for and that God answered, He also gave me something that I only recently realized I needed even more.
            I found a genuine, warm, loving community and a new family in this church.
            Until I was saved last year I never realized how truly lonely my life had become. I had spent twenty-four years living only for myself, content to waste away my life as a couch potato and an introvert. This year, after God placed me in this small, local church, I found a new home in which I can belong. I found a group of people that care so much about me, even though we only just met, that they will text me if I miss a service, or whom I can text with a prayer request. Once again, God has proven to me that He knows me better than I know myself. In hindsight, I can see how utterly, desperately lonely I used to be; how, deep down inside, I had always been searching for this type of community my whole life, even though I would never admit that aloud, not even to myself.
            Sometimes, when God provides for us and answers our prayers, he gives us far more than we ask for – or even deserve. Ever since I was a teenager, I have felt like I was a misfit, an outsider, a wallflower that has never really belonged anywhere. Here at BBC I now finally see where I belong. God has given me a place to call home. By way of the Holy Spirit, I know that Las Vegas is where God wants me, and this church is where I will best serve Him. In my daily prayers I always open with a list of what I’m thankful for. My life and my salvation are the first two items and number three is Bible Baptist Church. (My biological family and my friends outside of church are items four and five.) As I listened to the other members give their testimonies tonight, many of them echoed my sentiments. They, too, are grateful for this church and their spiritual brothers and sisters. Many of them also spoke of what God has done for them this year, and something else struck me as I listened to their stories.
            For the last month or so, my war with my sexuality has been raging particularly strong. The bad days have been starting to outnumber the good. For the last week or so, I’ve been caught a cycle that many of you can probably relate to: I fight the temptation as long as I can, then eventually just give up and give in, pray for forgiveness afterwards (and genuinely, sorrowfully mean it), promise God I won’t give in again, and then, one or two days later – or even later that same day – turn right around and commit the same sin all over again. (Any of you that struggle with addiction will know exactly what I’m talking about. My drug, in this case, is online pornography.)
            The result of all this is that I have begun to resent God lately. I’ve adopted a “woe is me” attitude. I feel like it’s not fair of him to demand I abstain from homosexuality while, at the same time, not taking away this desire. I feel caught between a spiritual rock and a hard place. Yes, I love Him. Yes, I want to obey Him. I really do! I do not want to allow sin any place in my life, and I really do want to keep walking the straight and narrow path. The problem is, this internal war of the Spirit and the flesh does. not. let. up. Not for a single second. Breaking twenty-four years’ worth of old sins and habits does not happen overnight, and addiction of any kind is a powerful beast. I’ve also silently wondered, “Why this particular cross, Lord? Of all the burdens that you ask your children to pick up and bear when they follow You, why this one for me?” God, in His infinite wisdom and patience, has not yet given me an answer to that question.
            So my mindset tonight as I headed into church was one of discouragement and mild despair. I felt guilty for all the times I had failed God this past week.  But, as I sang the old, familiar hymns, and as I listened to the others give their various testimonies, I realized that part of my problem was that I was focused inward. I was, again, being selfish because I was focused on me. When my attention turned to the others around me and to the message brought to us later from the pulpit by Brother Cliff Taylor (Pastor Serviss is out of town with his family this week), I forgot all about my internal war. I forgot about the old man completely, in fact. As always, my time spent in the house of the Lord re-centered me. I came away tonight with my spiritual battery recharged and a reminder of what’s important: His grace, delivered via my new family at BBC, is sufficient for me just now.
            And since tomorrow – or rather, today, since it is now past midnight – is Thanksgiving, this is the brief devotional that Brother Cliff Taylor gave to us after we had all finished sharing our testimonies (I will type verbatim what I wrote in my sermon notes):
           
          Psalm 100:
         “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness: come before His presence with singing.
          Know ye that the Lord He is God: it is He that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture.
        Enter into His gates with Thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise: be thankful unto Him, and bless His name.
           For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting; and His truth endureth to all generations.”
 
        Thankfulness begets praise! If we are always in a state of thankfulness for what God is and what He has done in our lives; if are in the habit of counting our blessings instead of our trials and sorrows; if we strive to always be focused on Jesus and always following in His footsteps – even when we don’t clearly see or understand where He’s leading; then praise – continual, joyful noise – will always be in our hearts!
 
            Thankfulness begins in the heart!
           
            God has blessed me in so many ways and with so much in 2021 that I would be here until morning if I started a list right now. But His biggest blessing this year for me has been BBC and my new family there. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for all of us in 2022!
 
            Happy Thanksgiving and God bless!